things that erik hates
by Phantom Novelest
Summary: things to do if you want to get punjabed
1. 1 to 50

1. I must never sing, or even hum the words or tune to "All I Ask of You".

2. Stealing Erik's undergarments and cuddling them is not appropriate.

3. Erik does not allow anyone but himself to touch the organ. Therefore, I must never touch the organ.

4. I must not make phangirl jokes about the organ when Erik is within hearing range.

5. I must resist the urge to morph into a Mary-Sue.

6. I must never ask Erik to give me swimming lessons…naked.

7. I must never spy on Erik when he is bathing.

8. I must never play with Erik's Punjab lasso.

9. I must never remove Erik's mask without his permission.

10. I must never ask for Erik's permission to remove his mask.

11. I must never remove Erik's clothes without his permission…

12. The words "Raoul", "Vicomte," and "de Chagny" are curse words. If I use them, Erik will wash my mouth out with soap. Therefore, I must not use them in any context whatsoever.

13. When Erik is sleeping, I must never sneak into his room and shout, "BOO!"

14. I must never climb into the coffin while Erik is sleeping.

15. I must never use the coffin as a floating device.

16. Auctioning off the swan bed on Ebay so that I can sleep in the coffin with Erik seems like a very good idea. It's not.

17. Telling Erik I auctioned off the swan bed on Ebay, and then explaining why, is an even worse idea.

18. I must never take apart Erik's organ then attempt to put it back together. I will fail.

19. Putting on a long curly wig and dressing up in a wedding dress will not, contrary to even more popular belief, endear me to Erik.

20. Reading Erik/Raoul slash out loud is unacceptable and often fatal.

21. Drawing a handlebar mustache and thick, nerdy glasses on all of Erik's paintings of Christine is only funny until Erik happens to find said desecrated paintings under the Louis-Philippe room rug.

22. Reading self-insertion Erik x Me phics out loud so that he will "take a hint" is neither a cerebral nor successful means of seduction.

23. I must never play with the lever that controls the gate, however fun it is to say "Up! And down! And up! And down!" while pulling it back and forth.

24. When about to sail through the underground lake with Erik, it is very inappropriate, no matter how tempting, to shout, "Save the gondola! Ride the Phantom!"

25. Telling Erik that black is a sign of sexual desire, and then saying coquettishly, "Hmm…you must be famished," while running fingers up his arm, will not end as blissfully as hoped.

26. When telling Erik about "Operation: Fop, Meet My Cheesegrater", I must never let slip about "Operation: Christine, Meet My Baseball Bat."

27. I must never dress up in Erik's Red Death costume.

28. I must never playfully poke Erik with my finger, esp. when he has a sword.

29. I must never play with Erik's dolls.

30. I must never sneak up on Erik from behind, esp. when he has the Punjab lasso.

31. I must never call Erik "Mister Nose-less."

32. I must never loudly comment about pedophilic tendencies of certain masked persons whenever Erik begins to speak of or sing about Christine.

33. I must never dress up in Erik's cape, no matter how fun it is to swirl around and say in a deep voice, "Behold! I am the Phantom of the Opera! Bow before me! I sing! I am all-powerful! I need to get laid!"

34. Doing the above will not stimulate a warm response, nor will it—contrary to what logic might dictate—cause Erik to take a hint.

35. I must never touch Erik's violin.

36. I must never hold up several different-sized jars and flirtatiously ask which one would be big enough to hold…well. You know.

37. I must never bother Erik when he is composing.

38. I must never, ever glomp Erik when he is composing.

39. I must never use Erik's music scores for doodling funny faces and cartoons of Christine with fangs and a pitchfork.

40. I must never leave my "Plans for Luring Christine Into The Torture-Chamber" lying in plain sight.

41. Convincing Erik to play "Spin The Bottle," no matter how entertaining this might seem, ultimately backfires once a realization of the game's purpose dawns upon the object of my desire.

42. I must never sing like Avril Lavigne.

43. Dumping my breakfast on Erik's wig and licking it off seems like a capital idea, but it's not.

44. Force-feeding Erik does not work, nor is it a particularly bright idea.

45. Giving Erik a pamphlet entitled "Anorexia: What To Do When An Eating Disorder Consumes You" does not work either.

46. Suggesting that Erik attend a wedding with self and then when he asks whose wedding, self saying in a surprised tone "Why, our wedding!" is, no matter how one looks at it, a stupid idea.

47. I must never, under any circumstances, yodel.

48. Kicking Ayesha is not a particularly brilliant plan.

49. De-clawing Ayesha must never be attempted without Erik's approval and the supervision of a veterinarian.

50. I must never bark at Ayesha.


	2. stupid goverment!

Co- I AM SO SORRY BUT THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER! IT'S EVEN BIGGER!

LOOK, I KNOW IM TALKING IN CAPS, BUT THAT'S CUZ IT SO IMPORTANT! THIS IS NOT A HAPPY THING EITHER!

OUR SITE IS BEING THREATENED! THIS BILL OR WHATEVER WILL PASS ON THE 24 OF JANUARY IF WE DON'T ACT!

AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT WAITING FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT! DON'T FORGET, IT'S OUR SITE! WE NEED AS MUCH HELP AS WE CAN GRAB! COPY AND PASTE THIS TEXT TO WORD, POST THIS AS A CHAPTER TO ALL OF YOUR STORIES, AND WE'LL GET THE WORD OUT SOON! AND THANK YOU XXDARKXBLOODXX FOR TELLING ME THIS!

(Don't copy this) Look, I'll calm down, but don't expect me to bow down before this government guy who decided to take our site, and prolly a lot of other things, away. I don't know about you, but this site is extremely important to me, and prolly to a lot of other people to. So please, do your fellow fanfictioners a favor and CALL YOUR REPS NOW!

This content has been found in violation of H.R. 3261 S.O.P.A. and has been removed.-

Every story on this site if SOPA and PIPA pass Congress.

So, there's a bill in Congress called PIPA.

If passed (and at this rate, they'll probably be), they would let the government basically go apeshit on internet content and censor it.

This means that would be completely and utterly SHUT DOWN.

This congressional jackassery will commence on January 24th! If you wish to preserve not only this site, but your liberty, call your state senators! I'll just leave this list of their phone numbers at the bottom.

Think, guys- is over TWO MILLION MEMBERS strong! If we all called up these guys, then there would be absolutely NO WAY THIS MALARKEY WOULD SQUEEZE THROUGH THE GOVERNMENT'S ASSCHEEKS!

So call your senators today and tell them to vote against PIPA! We can do this! If you see this, put something in a new chapter of an existing story! Spread the word!

AL, Jefferson Sessions, 334-244-7017

AL, Richard Shelby, 205-759-5047

AR, John Boozman, 479-725-0400

AR, Mark Pryor, 501-324-6336

AZ, Jon Kyl, 602-840-1891

AZ, John McCain, 602-952-2410

CA, Barbara Boxer, 510-286-8537

CA, Dianne Feinstein, 415-393-0707

CO, Michael Bennet, 303-455-7600

CT, Richard Blumenthal, 860-258-6940

CT, Joseph Lieberman, 860-549-8463

DE, Thomas Carper, 302-573-6291

DE, Chris Coons, 302-573-6345

FL, Bill Nelson, 407-872-7161

FL, Marco Rubio, 305-418-8553

GA, C. Saxby Chambliss, 770-763-9090

GA, John Isakson, 770-661-0999

HI, Daniel Akaka, 808-522-8970

HI, Daniel Inouye, 808-541-2542

IA, Charles Grassley, 515-288-1145

IA, Thomas Harkin, 515-284-4574

ID, Michael Crapo, 208-334-1776

ID, James Risch, 208-342-7985

IL, Richard Durbin, 312-353-4952

IL, Mark Kirk, 312-886-3506

IN, Daniel Coats, 317-554-0750

IN, Richard Lugar, 317-226-5555

KS, Pat Roberts, 913-451-9343

KY, Mitch McConnell, 502-582-6304

KY, Rob Portman, 361-576-1231

LA, Mary Landrieu, 225-389-0395

LA, David Vitter, 337-262-6898

MA, Scott Brown, 617-565-3170

MA, John Kerry, 617-565-8519

MD, Barbara Mikulski, 410-962-4510

ME, Susan Collins, 207-945-0417

ME, Olympia Snowe, 207-874-0883

MI, Carl Levin, 313-226-6020

MI, Debbie Stabenow, 517-203-1760

MN, Al Franken, 651-221-1016

MN, Amy Klobuchar, 612-727-5220

MO, Roy Blunt, 816-471-7141

MO, Claire McCaskill, 816-421-1639

MS, Thad Cochran, 601-965-4459

MS, Roger Wicker, 601-965-4644

MT, Max Baucus, 406-657-6790

MT, Jon Tester, 406-449-5401

NC, Richard Burr, 910-251-1058

NC, Kay Hagan, 336-333-5311

ND, Kent Conrad, 701-258-4648

ND, John Hoeven, 701-250-4618

NE, Mike Johanns, 308-632-6032

NE, E. Benjamin Nelson, 402-441-4600

NH, Kelly Ayotte, 603-622-7979

NH, Jeanne Shaheen, 603-647-7500

NJ, Frank Lautenberg, 973-639-8700

NJ, Robert Menendez, 973-645-3030

NM, Jeff Bingaman, 505-346-6601

NM, Tom Udall, 505-346-6791

NV, Dean Heller, 775-686-5770

NV, Harry Reid, 702-388-5020

NY, Kirsten Gillibrand, 212-688-6262

NY, Charles Schumer, 212-486-4430

OH, Sherrod Brown, 216-522-7272

OK, James Inhofe, 918-748-5111

OK, Tom Coburn, 918-581-7651

OR, Jeffery Merkley, 503-326-3386

PA, Robert Casey, 570-941-0930

PA, Pat Toomey, 610-434-1444

RI, John Reed, 401-943-3100

RI, Sheldon Whitehouse, 401-453-5294

SC, Jim DeMint, 864-233-5366

SC, Lindsey Graham, 864-250-1417

SD, Tim Johnson, 414-276-7282

SD, John Thune, 605-334-9596

TN, Lamar Alexander, 615-736-5129

TN, Bob Corker, 423-756-2757

TX, John Cornyn, 512-469-6034

TX, Kay Hutchison, 214-361-3500

UT, Orrin Hatch, 801-524-4380

UT, Mike Lee, 801-524-5933

VA, Mark Warner, 804-775-2314

VA, James Webb, 804-771-2221

VT, Patrick Leahy, 802-863-2525

VT, Bernard Sanders, 802-862-0697

WA, Patty Murray, 206-553-5545

WI, Ron Johnson, 605-332-8896

WI, Herbert Kohl, 414-297-4451

WV, Joe Manchin, 304-342-5855

WV, John Rockefeller, 304-347-5372

WY, John Barrasso, 307-261-6413

WY, Michael Enzi, 307-682-6268


	3. 51 to 70

51. I must not glomp Erik when he is composing, driving his gondola, or anytime he does not wish to be hugged.

52. Christmas is in December not July.

53. Begging Erik to sleep in the same bed as me will only get me sent home.

54. JB music is not welcome in Erik's lair.

55. Give Erik flirty eyebrows is not funny and just plain weird.

56. The only good thing coming from comparing Erik who is a human and looks like a dead man to Dracula who's a dead man who looks like a human is that Erik's liking that fact you read classics.

56. I must not mess up counting.

57. Erik may have not gone to school but he can read.

58. Spelling Erik's name with a "C" is not a good idea unless you're Christine.

59. If I hear Erik moaning coming from whatever room I'm going in, I shouldn't walk in. His Christine doll is in there with him.

60. Gloating in the fact I got Erik to read Phan Phiction before bed should be done when he is not around.

61. Making pussy jokes about his cat is just plain wrong.

62. Asking Erik to sing the pie song will not end well as it is supposed to be sung by a girl.

63. Making Erik eat a hotdog then telling him what it's made of is will lead to you being covered in phantom vomit.

64. I must not say phantom vomit ever again.

65. I must not ask Erik to explain where babies come from.

66. When he refuses or says a bird I must not assume he does not know.

67. Putting Erik, Jeff the Killer and/or Slender Man in the same room, well I'll leave this to your imagination.

68. I really shouldn't try and move his organ to the lake…

69. Erik does not need to know about Candle Cove.

70. I must control my randomness.


	4. 71 to 80, i need more ideas help me out!

71. Erik may not have the outside of his nose, but he has the inside.

72. Don't cover the lair in flowers, Erik has allergies.

73. Don't watch Erik sleep. It is creepier then him.

74. Don't copy everything is says.

75. If he somehow manages to get Christine to come back to him, do not stay any longer than it does to pack up, then go home.

76. Asking Erik to sing for you is a good idea, unless you want him to sing a duet with his cat.

77. I really shouldn't tell Ayesha about my dog being a corn dog for eating corn. Cats don't laugh they hiss.

78. I must not lose my train of thought when talking to him.

79. Erik don't like bad grammar.

80. Forcing Erik to go to Raoul and Christine's wedding will end in a man slaughter.


	5. 81to100

81. Erik may love music but he hates loud noises.

82. Bringing Erik to school for show and tell is a big no-no.

83. Making fun of Erik by speaking in the 3ed person is not funny

84. Nor is any other way to make fun of him funny.

85. Under no circumstances should I steal Erik's clothes and replace them with a pink dress while he's in the shower.

86. I shouldn't pick the lock to his bath room when he's in there bathing.

87. Erik is not a banana

88. Crawling into bed with Erik while he's sleep will not end well. However showing up in his room with a teddy bear saying you had a bad dream will result with him giving you a hug.

89. Waking up Erik with a bucket of cold water is not fun.

90. The classic put a sleeping person's hand in a glass of water trick dose not work on Erik.

91. I will not T-P the lair.

92. Giving Erik a surprise party won't end well at 1st the rest depends on who you invite.

93. I must not invite Raoul to said surprise party unless it's pin the tail on the fop time.

94. No pin the tail on the opera singer whose name starts with a "C".

95. I should not give Erik a baby for a present.

96. Nor should I give him a kid of any age. He hates kids that aren't his and Christine's.

97. Putting Erik in a tree while he's sleeping will result in his broken arm and your death.

98. Certain 14 years olds named Scotie Rainwater should not tag him in ever picture she puts on face book.

99. trying to get Erik on _American Idol_: not good. Putting him on _French Idol_: eh.

100. Erik does not need to drink coffee.


	6. 101 to 110

101. Burring all of Erik's masks or throwing them in the lake will result in the same fate for you.

102. Replacing Erik's masks with Groucho glasses isn't good either.

103. I would say don't replace his clothes with a clown costume but who the hell in their right mind would do that? Clowns are scary!

104. Stay away when Erik's been drinking wine.

105. it's not fun to see Erik cry, but it's not fun to say there will be other opera singers to obsess over.

106. Erik is not to be confused with Gerard Butler.

107. Don't bring Erik's mother in to this, we'll be here all day.

108. Erik never met his dad so don't bring him into this either.

109. Playing go fish with Erik will end in him turning a card into a ninja throwing star.

110. Erik doesn't like pie to be thrown in his face or shoved down his pants.


	7. 111 threw 120

111. I will not give Christine's mirror the finger.

112. Red Bull and Erik do not mix.

113. I will not "improve" Erik's mask with pink glitter paint.

114. I will not ask Erik if he sparkles in the sun.

115. Nor will I attempt to take his clothes off to prove the previous statement.

116. Erik dose not ejaculate on trees. That's slender man

117. I will not gender swap Erik. Even though I know how to gender swap _Love Never Dies._

118. Erik only likes the Christine baby making part of _Love Never Dies._

119. Erik cannot Magic Dance.

120. Nor can he juggle. I you know where that came from pelase report it to me so I can read and "Insult it"


	8. 121 to 140

121. Nailing Erik's coffin shut while he's in it is neither cute nor funny.

122. Do not call Erik Jack Skeleton. Or ask him to sing This Is Halloween.

123. Is not how old he is

124. Locking Erik in a room with his fangirls will result in you being thrown out the nearest window.

125. He doesn't like to be corrected.

126. Erik is not your "Bro" or a "Dawg".

127. Do not interrupt Erik when he's reading poetry.

128. ERIK DOSE NOT NEED TO KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO NUTTER BUTTER SOMEONE!

128. Getting into a fight with Erik is not a good idea.

129. I must not take pictures of Erik while he is sleeping.

130. I must not take pictures of him while he's showering.

131. Erik did not sell his soul to the devil or get burned by acid.

132. I must not yell "Run Erik Run" when he's running from a mob.

133. He doesn't like the idea of _Phantom of the Opera_ cereal for some reason. Marshmallow in the shape of masks!

134. No soup for Erik! He hates it when you tell him to eat soup just because he has a cold.

135. Erik getting emotional because you said you like him does not mean what you think.

136. Asking Erik to sing you to sleep will work, unless you decide to make him sleep with you.

137. Turning Erik's horse in to a unicorn with an ice-cream cone is cute but not funny.

138. Erik is not the crypt keeper.

139. Erik and Dracula are not friends

140. Giving Erik a rat for a gift isn't funny.


	9. 141 to 150

141. Do not mention the Persian. Even though he saved Erik's life, he doesn't like him much.

142. Do not mention Raoul's brother, the Compte de Changy. Erik was accused of murdering him by the Persian.

143. Do not mention the Rosy Hours of Mazenderan. Not a good time for Erik-he killed a lot of people. He'll probably Punjab you like he did them.

144. Whatever you do, don't say anything derogatory about Erik's appearance. Complement him all you want, he'll adore you for that. Maybe give him a sweet kiss on the cheek to show him he doesn't disgust you.

145. Do not try to seduce him-he'll Punjab you. unless you so happen to be named Christine, look like Christine and are Christine.

146. Erik is not one of the Backstreet Boys.

147. No sending Erik to therapy Angels-Protegee.

148. Erik does not like corn shoved up his nose.

149. Erik is not an apple.

150. Erik doesn't wish or you to show up at his lair.


	10. 151 threw 160

151. Erik does not like to be poked with a stick.

152. "Sexy and I Know It" is not an appropriate song to sing to him.

153. Do not use the swan bed as a trampoline.

154. Obviously Erik does not like yo face jokes.

155. Nor yo momma jokes

156. telling Erik to eat slugs is a bad idea.

157. Erik is not the crypt creeper.

158. Erik and harry potter don't mix.

159. Erik is not a chicken leg.

160. Asking Erik to pull a rabit out of a hat will lead to him pulling a punjab around your neck.


	11. 161 to 170

161. Erik is not a giant flea

162. Erik does not need to sing eye of the tiger

163. Erik lives in an opera, not a dungeon.

164. Erik does not like to be bored so give me more ideas people!

165. Erik hates it when phangirls thing they have a chance.

166. Erik dose nto eat worms, what that smell on his breath is I will never know

167. Christine/Francoeur or any other Phantom of the Opera/A monster in Paris stuff do not go together.

168. Erik pities fools who like Mr. T

169. Erik does not like phanphiction to not be smutty.

170. Erik will kill you if you don't read my story, _I'll think of a name for this someday…._


	12. even more 171 to 175

171. Erik hates it when no one gives us ideas

172. Erik does not like it when you insult Justine Beiber. Oo

173. Erik once survived on nothing but bugs, don't try and feed him crickets.

174. Erik does not know the plural to platypus and does not like to talk about them

175. And I ran out of ideas


	13. next up, 176 to 180!

176. Erik loves chocolate, but don't force feed it too him.

177. Don't assume Erik knows what WICKED is - tell him what it is.

178. After telling Erik what WICKED is, don't insult a certain green skinned Witch. He won't appreciate someone being cruel about another misfit. Punjabing will commence if you insult the 'Wicked' Witch of the West.

178. Erik is not the hunch back of Notre Dame.

179. Erik does not wish to know about the porn version. (nor do I)

180. Erik Does not like stupid Fanart of him dancing. (again, nor do I)


End file.
